Recovering from Feminism

Recovered Feminist, Recovering from Feminism? Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! Just when I thought I had heard it all then comes this one. It was Saturday morning and I had just finished a short stint on the treadmill (no I did not actually finish, PHCN took light and I was ‘forced; to get down) and now here I was trying to settle down to a cup of tea when I turned on the TV and bam I just heard this on the Larry King show on CNN. This is Dr Laura Shlessinger and she is a recovered Feminist. I set my tea down and sat up. Believe me this sure got my attention. I said to myself, I am definitely going to listen to this. Here we go again. I wonder what this one is all about. You know America is a melting ground and there is concept, no group, no cause that do not get attention and get all of us to hear it.

Recovered Feminist- I was once a feminist or rather inflicted by the Feminist Disease, now I am well and recovered (sounds like the amazing grace song: “I was blind, now I can see”) and as she proceeded to explain this recovery, I could not help but ask “is this a thumbs up for women or thumbs down?” Your guess at this point is as good as mine. First what is feminism? Equal pay for men and women, equal rights for men and women, equal responsibility for men and women? (we need to amend this for strong feminists..at home?) and all other equals. I do not know if women set out to be feminist but I know that women have made certain demands and protested certain treatments over the ages and in over the whole geographical demarcations of the planet earth. We have grown up knowing certain things, accepting certain things and certainly demanding certain things. I am not sure if that constitutes the “feminist disease”. No matter what the disease is all about, there are certain issues that demand our attention without a doubt.

Over and over again my pastor has said so much about responsibilities of both husbands and wife in marriage and how as a woman your husband is very key and actually central to your achieving your main purpose for being here (as well as the man). If you are not married, of course, you are not under this category. But if you are married, then God expects you to be the support and help meet for your husband. That is not to say that the man has no responsibilities but this about our roles as women, wives and mothers.

This Dr Laura on Larry Kings show did not say she is a pastor or professed any faith but she did emphasize that she is not against women working, she works at night (10pm to 1 am on her show) but she did say that we should think about our primary responsibility which is to take care of our home (husbands and wives). She said that when we set out (both men and women) and we come back we are all stressed and everyone is bickering and everyone is expecting and no one is giving. She said that usually there are mountains of tensions and bitterness builds. I dare say that one of the issues that I have certainly experienced and heard is that women go to work and come back and are expected to still perform all the roles (kitchen, attend to children and the bedroom requirements as well) and all these are a little overwhelming to say the least. Often we hear, “I also went to work you know” “Well if you do not want me to work or if you want me to dance to your every need then we need to discuss how the financials will work. But as long as I am going to work and earning income that are used in this house…”

Of course, it will be presumptuous for anyone to make a declaration that it is wrong for a woman to work. I will be the first to cast my stone. However, the problem of working and not devoting enough time to taking care of our homes (husbands and children) come with a price and all be it, we must be ready for such consequences. Examples of children from working parents (mother and father) who has turned out great abound. This is a discussion that I have engaged in several times in the lounge at work and with friends and families as we look back to our days as kids. I do not generalize but most people between the ages of 28 to 45 currently and (this is 2006) in our country are offsprings of working parents but the more we talk about it and analyze the work our parents did we all came to the conclusion that our mothers were mostly teachers, nurses, civil servants who get us ready for school in the mornings as they are getting ready (actually they see what we are having for breakfast and even have the time to make sure we ate that food before we leave the house) and they come home about the same time that we are getting home and again they can answer the question about what we ate for lunch and what quantity we ate and made sure that we ate our meat or vegetables. Often times, I will come home and ask my nanny if my son finished his lunch(sometimes I call from the office if I am not in one meeting or working on something at that lunch time) and I always hear “He refused to eat his egg or his veggies”. Although I have a menu which is rigidly followed, kids will always be kids and will not often willingly eat their food especially kids like mine whose whole attention is to go out and play. In essence, what I am trying to say is that working mothers actually pay a huge price but should they stop working then? Should they stop demanding equal rights and equal recognition and pay?

Recovered Feminist(mentioned above) have not stopped working but actually, works not the 12 hours a day 6 – 7 days a week but schedules her work around the hours when she can be a mother as well as do what she believes she must do and that is work. One of the lessons from listening to this talk show is that women have a central role to play in making their marriages work and their home stable but because we have re-arranged the order of things (Eve was at home while Adam went to tend to the garden - this is the foremost order), there are problems arising therefrom. If we wake up each day and our thoughts are more on how we can make each other be the best today or achieve the best, then we are taking the focus away from ourselves and giving to the other person or paying attention to the other person helps us deal with their inadequacies.

I have often asked myself that what is really important? I have often asked myself, what is really the reason we go to work? (Please do not give me that Marslow’s need pyramid answer), the definition of shelter has strongly changed, the definition of basic need (food, shelter and clothing) has drastically changed in recent years. Basic needs have come to include mansions and castles as shelter and have come to include homes in various locations and basic clothing now includes chunks and heaps of gold and diamonds and designer shoes and bags. There is nothing wrong with these things but I am saying that they are not unrelated with why we go to work and they are valid reasons to go to work. However, the need to spend time with our kids, nurture and bring them up, help inculcate the values and morals that will keep then anchored when the storms of life hit in their later years come very low in our list of needs these days.

Still on this “U turn” from feminism, I am beginning to think that not all of us will recover at the same time and not all of us will make a total recovery. I also think at this time there must be various degrees of this disease, personally I would have thought that I do not have this disease but the more I thought of it, I realized that I may have the mild case. I think there must mild, regular and advanced feminist disease. I think that I will have to rest this case here because, in this age and time when you identify a problem you are meant to help find a solution and I do not think that I am ‘qualified’ to diagnose, treat and prescribe medication for this infamous disease. Just like Dr Laura, I have two phrases …”Choose wisely, treat kindly”